Releasing Fear for a New Year

Sunsets are the rawest gift our eyes
can perceive <3

So I have some confessions to make to you all, they are real, they are raw and they can no longer be silenced. I have been in a silent mode for the last two almost three months now and it has not been because I haven't had anything to write about, nor was it about not having the urge to write. I wanted to write everyday, I had so much to say, but I was scared and too fearful to do so.

I know I have talked about fear in the past and how it is one of the ego's little tricks that keeps us from following our path, our heart and living in complete happiness. I have talked about ways to not live in fear and ways to listen more to your heart instead of your ego. All that is great, it is wonderful, and let me tell you it does work but sometimes you can do it all over and over again and still feel fearful.

Detox bath of relax-ment

I started feeling very fearful in mid August and at first I was doing it all; I was using mantra's, meditation, eating right, exercise, choosing my heart over my ego, and the fear would go away for a bit but then it would come back. After about 3 weeks of this cycle I started to become frustrated and started to become angry at simple little things. Then shortly after that I just started becoming fearful all the time and listening mostly to my ego. I became very emotional but would not show almost anyone those emotions, and would even often try to block them from myself. I would still meditate at times, do some yoga to help soothe, and occasionally talk to my angels but even with all that I started to avoid my heart and give into my ego more and more.

You are probably wondering what I was avoiding and why I started listening to the fear my ego was feeding me, well to be honest it is  quite simple but also very complicated. I will do my best to explain. I was avoiding change, I was running from my future, and I was pulling on the emergency break of life all out of fear. In the last year and a half I made leaps and bounds in my life. I learned a lot and also accomplished a lot in this time period and it was all bringing me closer and closer to my life purpose and my future. At time the future can be very scary for me, like I am sure it can seem for others as well, most of the time it scares me in a good way and encourages me to move forward...but this time as much as I wanted to move forward I wanted to stay still...see complicated. I knew deep in my heart that to move forward and closer to what was in store for me in my future I would have to leave somethings behind, start doing others I had never done before and let go of some people in my life, and I will admit I was not totally ready to do all of it, or at least thats what my ego kept telling me.

Rainy day, tear filled walks lead to
such amazing things.

During the last new moon I was in a group meditation and the focus was on manifestation and the future. During the meditation I felt great, on top of the world and like nothing was wrong....I had seen short visions of my future and they had been great...so why all the fear? Why was I letting my ego control me and scare me into avoiding my future? Well, I decided to have a nice hot detox bath to help clear my head of all these fears and get my game face on for the future. As soon as I got into the bath I began to cry. The rest of my evening was spent asking for guidance and letting tears fall from my eyes. I had not felt more raw, or true in months than I did at that moment. It is amazing how sometimes a good, hard, raw cry can bring so much clarity.

Since that night two weeks ago I have had many of nights like that of the new moon night. What is different now is  that I have started listening to my heart more and I have started receiving answers and direction about my future. It has been an intense two weeks and I know there is a lot more intensity to come. But the biggest thing that has become clear to me over this time is that I was not fearful about were my future was going but about how I was going to get there, I now realize you do not just leap top the top of a mountain but work your way up to that magnificent view at the top.  Around the time I started to become fearful I was getting very clear messages in all forms daily to become more raw, and real with exposing myself, my purpose, and every aspect of my life; at that time I was not ready to do that, to take that next step towards my future so I started to listen to my ego's fearful reasoning on not doing so.

 Does this mean that I no longer have any fear or that my ego has disappeared...no, all it means is that my heart is now running the show and I intend to set it free and let it be exactly what it is at all times...no matter what!

 After running scared for the last little bit I can finally say that I am finally ready to take that next step towards my future. I do not know exactly what is in my future but I know that I am going to be raw, real, and honest with myself, my purpose and all those around me.